The Oxford Cafe

For the benefit of those who have not ventured to Montana yet,
let me just tell you that you are missing out on one of life's
great experiences, the Oxford Cafe in Missoula, Montana.  Here
is a bird's eye view of 1950's Missoula, and another from the 
late 1960's:  Missoula, with the new Interstate.

The photo shows the view from an unnamed hill overlooking the
older parts of town; in the foreground is the "North Side",
and to the left is the downtown area.  In the center background,
towards Mount Sentinel (with the "M" on it), is the University
of Montana.  In the right-side background is the newer, southern
side of town.

The Ox hasn't changed much since it opened in 1883, except that
now there are various gambling machines in addition to the poker
tables in the back room, and the sign taped to the front door:

             "NO Non-Smoking sections here".

It has not closed, even for a moment, for so many years that no
one knows where the key is any longer, or even if there is a key.

At any hour of the day or night, there will be pretty much a
full contingent of regulars at the bar, the counter and the
poker tables.  The bar is nearest the front door, so that when
a regular comes in he won't have to walk too far or wait too
long for that first drink.

Above the bar is a large collection of guns and knives of all
descriptions, and the obligatory bison's head mounted where the
old boy can keep an eye on you, on the opposite wall.

Even before noon, in fact well before noon, there will be an
assortment of bums, drunks, bikers, loggers, and Indians fresh 
off the Rez, gathered at the bar, some hanging on for dear life.  
Most are "armed" in one way or another, some are "heavily armed".

Beyond the bar is the lunch counter, behind that the poker rooms.

I don't know of anyplace else where you can get all this for
exactly $6 (no sales tax, and no Monkey-Ward pricing):

  Bacon (four fat pieces)
  Eggs, any style, including poached
  Toast or English Muffin
  Hash Browns
  Brown Gravy AND/OR Sausage Gravy
  Coffee

There is enough cholesterol here to choke a horse, which is
just enough to last me....until this time tomorrow.

In case you want to phone in your order, here is the menu:

If You Ask For....         The Counter-Man translates:
-----------------------    ---------------------------------
Hamburger                  Stetch One
  with Onions              Pin a rose on it
Cheese Omelette            Hinder-Binder
Sauerkraut and Franks      Load O' Hay
Short Ribs                 Shorty Brown
Ham Hocks                  Hedy Lamarr
Corned Beef and Cabbage    Irish Turkey
Swiss Steak                Yodelin' T-Bone
Hash                       Mystery
Roast Beef                 Slow Elk
Roast Pork                 Overland Trout
Sardines                   Torpedoes
Chicken ala King           Chippie in the Mud
Baked Beans                Thousand on a Plate
Brains and Eggs            He Needs 'em!

And I have never had a bad meal here.  As to the sanitary
conditions...well, I prefer not to think about that.

Your Humble Correspondent,

James Alan Sherman